News From Krieger's Korner
by Red Witch
Summary: Krieger's podcast tries to be more informative and relevant. Tries is the operative word here.


**Here is a news flash: I don't own any Archer characters. I made up a few of Ron's former girlfriends and friends but nobody important. This is just madness from my bored tiny little mind. **

**News From Krieger's Korner **

"Hello!" Krieger waved as he sat by a large pool at Cheryl's mansion. "And once again it's time for Krieger's Korner! We're **back** people!"

"I never left," Ron sighed. He was sitting in a chair drinking some scotch.

"You all know the gang," Krieger pointed in order. "Cheryl, Pam, Ray and Ron Cadillac! Ron is our special guest and sponsor!"

"I know you all thought I'd be gone after that last show," Ron sighed. "What can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment."

"That and your car dealerships got a lot of free publicity," Pam pointed out.

"Minus the cost of a rabies shot," Ron groaned.

"I didn't think any of the animals bit you," Ray remarked.

"They didn't," Ron pointed to Cheryl. "**This one** bit me in the hallway shortly after the last show!"

"Oh my God I said I was **sorry!**" Cheryl groaned. "I had a dream and I thought I was a vampire. Obviously, I was just watching TV or something. No big deal."

Ron gave her a look. "I still have some bite marks on my shoulder!"

"At least she didn't stab you," Ray groaned.

"That's a **thing **with her?" Ron asked.

"Oh yeah," Pam nodded.

"Cheryl please tell me we don't have to lock you up in a cage again," Krieger sighed. "Like with your werewolf phase."

"_Werewolf phase?"_ Ron did a double take.

"She bit a lot of people then too," Pam nodded. "For a skinny bitch you do have sharp teeth."

"Thank you," Cheryl grinned.

"Starting to see why my wife complains about you people so much," Ron groaned. "What confuses me is why she keeps coming **back** to you!"

"I know," Cheryl said. "That's always puzzled me too."

"Okay let's jump into our first segment," Krieger said cheerfully.

"I wish Carol would jump into a straightjacket," Ron groaned.

"Been there," Cheryl giggled. "Done that."

Krieger went on. "Our first segment is called What's New? Where we discuss the important news topics of the day!"

"Well important to us anyway," Pam remarked. "Okay some retail news. Permanently 18 is filing for bankruptcy people! And you know what that means! Where there's a bankruptcy! There are store closings! And when there are store closings, there are **sales!"**

"Why would you care about **that store**?" Cheryl asked. "A, the clothes and jewelry are cheap…"

"Like you," Ray quipped.

Cheryl went on. "B, you can't fit into most of them. Although I do admit they make a nice fire."

Pam looked at her. "It's not always about me. First of all, this show is designed to be informative news!"

Ray looked at Pam. "Since **when?"**

Pam ignored Ray. "Other people may be interested and find great bargains there. And sometimes I do find something good. I mean I have to hunt for it, but I can find things."

"Like my little sewer crawls," Krieger spoke up. "You do find the occasional treasure but you have to comb through a lot of…"

"I get the **point**!" Ron interrupted him. "Ugh…"

Pam went on. "That store is so finished. "Between the boycotts, the tariffs and now it's being sued by that pop star…"

"It's the straw that broke the retail camel's back," Ray agreed.

"I also hear Mears and D-Mart are closing more stores," Pam spoke up. "And VBC are going to start closing places."

"VBC?" Ron asked.

"Those vitamin stores you see all over the place," Pam explained. "There are going to be a lot fewer of them now."

"I never understood the point of those stores," Ron remarked. "Half the stuff in them you can find cheaper at the pharmacy. And the other half probably shouldn't be sold at all!"

"Why would anybody care about a vitamin store going out of business?" Ray asked.

"I'm assuming we must have at least one or two health nuts in our audience," Pam remarked.

"Well not our primary audience," Krieger admitted.

Ron sighed. "Let's move onto some more news, shall we? Something not completely retail related?"

"Here's another news bit," Krieger said. "The makers behind e-cigarettes are telling non-smokers to not use their product."

Ray blinked. "That's like telling a fish to not bother buying a car. Not going to happen anyway."

"But the fish still can't do anything when someone drives a car into the lake," Pam nodded. "That is a very apt analogy."

"Here's some news!" Krieger said cheerfully. "It's been discovered that Jupiter has five new moons! Bringing the total to 79!"

"79?" Ray did a double take. "How many moons does a planet **need?"**

"Seriously," Cheryl nodded. "Practice some birth control Jupiter."

"That's like my distant cousin Caroline who pops out a kid at least once a year," Pam realized. "And not always with the same father."

"So, she's not married?" Ron asked.

"Oh, she's married," Pam said. "She's been married for eleven years. She just sleeps around a lot."

"Well if we ever do colonize space," Krieger remarked. "At least there will be a lot of real estate to choose from."

"Ooh good idea," Cheryl realized. "I bet you could make a fortune making a luxury resort and casino on at least **one** of those moons! I mean there are 79 of them! Odds are there is least **one **you can use! Or terraform. Or whatever…"

Pam looked at Cheryl. "You really think people will go to a moon out in the middle of nowhere to gamble?"

Ron spoke up. "People said similar things to Howard Hughes and Bugsy Siegel and look what happened there!"

"And I bet the view would be a lot better," Krieger mused. "I mean come on! Jupiter is right there! Can you imagine watching a Jupiter rise? That must be neat!"

"We'll put that on the list of possible careers," Ray sighed. "Because honestly this detective thing is not working. Mostly because we **aren't **working…"

"We are going through a lot of careers," Pam nodded.

"Here's some news," Ray said. "In Scotland the police stopped a game of hide and seek at Ikea with over three thousand people playing."

"That reminds me of a buddy of mine," Ron said. "Larry 'The Compass' Castelli."

"The _Compass?"_ Krieger asked. "Why did they call him **that?**"

"Because the man needs one just to navigate a one-way street," Ron said. "He was always getting lost. Man couldn't find a traffic jam on the Jersey Turnpike. He went to the mall once and was lost for three days. They found him in a mattress store camping out. Probably would have been longer if he didn't set off the sprinklers by accidentally setting the beds on fire with his cigarette."

"Is he also in the car business?" Ray asked.

"No," Ron shook his head. "He worked at the post office for thirty-five years."

"That explains a lot," Pam remarked.

"I think his bosses tried to fire him the last eight years," Ron remarked. "But nobody could find his office. Then again neither did Larry."

"It was just easier to let him retire then?" Ray asked.

"Pretty much yes," Ron nodded.

"I read an article saying if you are nice for seven days, you'll be a happier person," Cheryl read. "HA! Doubt it!"

"Ms. Archer can't be nice for even **one day!"** Ray added. "Seven days would kill her!"

"Seven?" Cheryl laughed. "She'd die of a heart attack by day **three!"**

"You think my wife would make it to **three days**?" Ron asked.

"I'm assuming she would be unconscious for part of that," Cheryl shrugged.

"What in a drunken stupor?" Ron asked.

"That or she goes back on the Lemons again," Cheryl shrugged.

Ron blinked. "We're not talking about the yellow fruit, are we?"

"Nope," Ray sighed.

"Quaaludes," Krieger said. "Big ones. Big expired ones. Big expired highly dangerous…"

"I get the **message!**" Ron snapped. "I've heard of Lemons! But those things haven't been made in decades! Where did she get them?"

"Don't look at me," Krieger said. "All my drugs are new and freshly made to my standards of quality. She probably had a bunch left over from her CIA days."

"Yeah they make her act really loopy," Pam nodded. "Before she goes totally catatonic and zones out for a few days."

_"Catatonic?"_ Ron gasped.

"That means she's kind of like in a coma only her eyes are open," Cheryl nodded. "Like a binge watcher only there's no TV on."

"How many times has **this happened?"** Ron gasped.

"At least three or four," Pam shrugged. "That we know of."

"We tried staging an intervention," Ray admitted. "But that didn't go so well."

"Probably because we all ended up drunk before it," Krieger guessed. "And took some drugs ourselves."

"That might have been one of the reasons," Pam nodded.

"So, my wife has been **popping pills**?" Ron was stunned.

"I think she ran out of the Lemons," Krieger said. "She's just using good old-fashioned uppers with her scotch. Some of those I **have** been giving her. What? She has me on retainer! Plus, I give her a really good discount."

"Well I just learned some news I **didn't** know," Ron rolled his eyes. "Is this about Sterling being in a coma?"

"I think she's been taking some pills on and off for years," Pam admitted. "But yeah, since Archer's been in a coma, she's really ramped it up a bit."

"The good news is that when she sits by Archer's bedside, she doesn't take that many pills," Krieger told him. "All she does is drink."

"Can we talk about **something else** now?" Ron groaned. "Something that **doesn't** make me question my life choices?"

"Speaking of news about life choices," Pam spoke up. "Guess who just got hitched? Mary Morelli."

_"Mary Morelli?"_ Ron did a double take. "As in my old **ex-girlfriend** Mary Morelli? To who?"

"You mean to whom?" Cheryl asked.

"Who? Whom? I'm asking here!" Ron snapped.

"You remember your buddy Larry Castelli?" Pam asked.

_"Him?"_ Ron did a double take.

"That Compass sure found her fast," Krieger remarked.

"Speaking of fast," Ray said. "I heard your wife tried to hit on this new doctor at the hospital. But he's too interested the blond nurse on the third floor."

"Which blonde nurse?" Cheryl asked. "The one with the huge tits that's sleeping around with Dr. Lowenstein? Or is it the one with reasonable sized tits that's got a firefighter for a boyfriend?"

"Nope," Pam said. "It's the perky one who looks like Barbie that just transferred from San Francisco two weeks ago."

Krieger realized something. "Is that the one who was chased out of town when it was discovered she was having an affair with **both** a dermatologist and a urologist at the same time?"

"The other one wasn't a urologist," Pam corrected. "It was an anesthesiologist whose **brother** was the urologist. But yeah that's her. She tried to hit on the brother too. But he turned her town and told his brother about it. That's when it started to unravel for her."

"You would have thought she learned her lesson in Kansas City," Ray remarked. "When she was involved with that love triangle with that surgeon and that sheriff's deputy. And that shootout at that Motel 6."

"Mary is **married**," Ron was stunned. "To Larry? **Him?"**

"Ron we're off Mary now," Ray told him.

"Hang on," Ron did a double take. "How did you guys **know **about this?"

"Uh Space Book, duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"Mary's on _Space Book_?" Ron asked. "Since when?"

"About eight years ago," Ray said. "She started the account originally to promote her cookbook."

"Mary wrote a _cookbook?"_ Ron asked. "I didn't know that!"

"Weren't you two going together around that time?" Pam asked. "You should have known! Like you should have known Mary and Larry both love cooking. According to their Space Book profiles they're in a lot of the same online cooking clubs."

"How do you know **that?**" Ron was stunned.

"She's on the same online cooking club groups as **they are**!" Ray groaned. "How do you think we found out about the proposal? Larry proposed when they went on that eating tour group in Italy."

"THEY WENT TO ITALY?" Ron shouted.

"You really should check out Space Book and Flitter," Pam said. "You can find out pretty much anything about anybody online nowadays."

"Which explains why our detective agency hasn't had that much business," Ray remarked.

"Speaking of business," Cheryl spoke up. "Guess who is trying to get back into Lana's?"

"Cyril, we know," Pam said. "He's trying to restart that stupid love triangle again while he's got a shot."

"That's not news," Krieger said. "This is! Remember Samantha?"

"My ex-girlfriend who moved back to Atlanta and broke up with me barely over a week ago," Ron said. "What about her?"

"She just got engaged," Krieger said. "To her old high school sweetheart."

"WHAT?" Ron did a double take.

"Awwww…" Pam and Ray said at the same time.

"We didn't even break up for two weeks!" Ron gasped. "And now she's **engaged?"**

"Man do your old girlfriends move fast," Krieger remarked.

"What I find shocking," Cheryl said. "Is that all your **other girlfriends** move faster than Ms. Archer!"

"To be fair she has lost some traction," Ray told her. "With her son being in a coma and all."

"And her personality doesn't help either," Pam nodded.

"And the obvious alcoholism is definitely a deterrent," Ray added.

"Oh yeah," Cheryl nodded.

"Definitely," Krieger nodded.

"Can we please talk about something else **besides** my love life?" Ron groaned.

"You mean **lack** of a love life?" Cheryl snickered.

"Ease up, Choker Face," Ray scolded her. "Give the man a break."

"Before I break your neck," Pam added.

"Tease!" Cheryl stuck out her tongue.

"I think this is a good a place as any to stop today's episode of Krieger's Korner," Krieger remarked. "Some people say we should have stopped at our **first episode** but we're going to ignore them! Until next time! We'll have some more juicy gossip! I promise!"

"I'd better hit the Space Book pages," Pam realized.

"If only you people would work this hard on **real cases** and not on store closings and gossip," Ron groaned


End file.
